¶ Something familiar something peculiar ¶
¶ Something for everyone a comedy tonight ¶
¶ Something appealing something appalling ¶
¶ Something for everyone a comedy tonight ¶
¶ Nothing for kings nothing for crowns ¶
¶ Bring on the lovers liars and clowns ¶
¶ Old situations new complications ¶
¶ Nothing portentous or polite ¶
¶ Tragedy tomorrow comedy tonight ¶
¶ Something convulsive something repulsive ¶
¶ Something for everyone a comedy tonight ¶
¶ Something aesthetic something frenetic ¶
¶ Something for everyone a comedy tonight ¶
¶ Nothing of gods nothing of fate ¶
¶ Weighty affairs will just have to wait ¶
Our principal characters live...
On this street...
In a less-fashionable suburb of Rome in these three houses.
First, the house of Erronius,
A befuddled old man, abroad now...
In search of his children stolen in infancy by pirates.
¶ Something erratic something dramatic ¶
¶ Something for everyone a comedy tonight ¶
Second, the house of Lycus,
A buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women.
That's for those of you who have absolutely no interest in pirates.
¶ Something for everyone
¶ A comedy tonight
And, finally, the house of Senex,
Who lives here with his wife and son.
Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son.
Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece.
A role of enormous variety and nuance...
And played by an actor of such versatility,
Such magnificent range, such--
Let me put it this way. I play the part.
¶ Something familiar something peculiar ¶
¶ Something for everyone a comedy tonight ¶
¶ Something that's gaudy something that's bawdy ¶
¶ Something for everybody's taste ¶
¶ Pantaloons and tunics ¶ Courtesans and eunuchs
¶ Funerals and chases ¶ Baritones and basses
¶ Panderers ¶ Philanderers
¶ Cupidity ¶ Timidity
¶ Mistakes, fakes rhymes, mimes ¶
¶ Tumblers, grumblers, bumblers ¶
¶ No royal curse no Trojan horse ¶
¶ And there's a happy ending of course ¶
¶ Goodness and badness man in his madness ¶
¶ This time it all turns out all right ¶
¶ Tragedy tomorrow
¶ Comedy, comedy, comedy comedy, comedy ¶
¶ Comedy, comedy comedy, comedy ¶
¶ Tonight
[shouting]
[chattering] You boy, why are we stopping? Hurry up.
Oh, my dear and noble neighbors, my deepest apologies.
Since moving in next door, I'm afraid
I've been remiss in not calling to pay my respects.
However, it is our inaugural week, and you know what that is.
I certainly do not. Move on!
[sighs] All right, don't stand. Move, move!
A common flesh peddler in the house next to ours-- disgusting.
Disgraceful. All that revolting flesh... Just next door.
Make way for the house of Senex. Hail, Senex. Wait!
Wait. Is this not Pseudolus, your slave?
He was parading as a citizen. Believe me, mistress.
I was not parading. I was walking humbly, like a slave.
He invited us to game with him.
In a matter of moments, he cheated us out of nine minae.
- Nine? I took seven. - Return nine.
One, two, three, four--
- I'm being cheated out of the money I won fairly. - Pseudolus.
Seven, eight-- what happened to five and six?
I'm coming to them. Nine, five, six. Thank you, citizens.
Do not fear. He will be punished.
Farewell. Farewell.
- Now-- - I know. I should be whipped... Gently.
However, good mistress, my intentions were of the noblest.
Hearing that today...
You were visiting your dear mother-- may the gods bless her--
I wanted to purchase an appropriate remembrance--
Some bath essence, a new spear.
Fifty more lashes for lying. You are doing what you are always doing:
Seeking money to buy your freedom.
Freedom? Oh, madame, who would want to be free of you?
Who indeed? Hysterium!
My mistress calls? Slave in chief,
Drag this man home and beat him without mercy.
I shall be brutal. Good.
Up! We go to buy a breeder slave.
Attend to him, Hysterium, my slave of slaves.
I live to grovel. I shall lash him to pulp.
I shall wear out eight whips. Strong men will blanch. My arm will--
¶ [instrument]
[man] Now come along now, gentlemen. They're all from Gaul and all--
You, sir! And you!
Come along now, gents. Now, they're all fresh as the day.
Only one owner. Don't waste my time. I'm only here--
No? Try fertilla, the populator.
Three hundred pounds of fertile flesh.
Has produced 18 healthy little slaves...
And is capable of producing 18 more.
Mm. You won't regret it.
[crowd chattering]
Oh! It is time we were gone.
Senex!
Hysterium!
Ah, here you are, and there I am.
A gift for my mother on the anniversary of her birth.
A hundred and four years old and a single organ in working condition.
Do you think it will please her? The craftsmanship is superb.
And the likeness? Frightening.
We go. Hysterium, here are my husband's final instructions.
Watch over our son, Hero.
Keep him cheerful, well fed and far from the opposite sex.
Oh, but, my dear, he must learn some time.
And when that time comes, you shall teach him... What little you know.
Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that house next door.
I hold you completely responsible.
Rather than let you down, I would die.
That is what I had in mind. And furthermore--
We are on our way. We are on our way.
Come, Senex. And carry my bust with pride.
Yes, dear.
A lesson to remember: Never fall in love during a total eclipse. Thank you, sir.
Where is Hero?
He's in his room, I think, studying with his tutor.
"The sun and the moon revolve around the earth...
"as do the four planets.
"Above all, there is a great blue bowl, which is the sky.
There are many stars--"
[woman] "...Is capable of much curious pleasure among which is...
The soft brushing of a flower on quivering skin."
[tutor] "Many stars have been named by the Egyptian astronomers,
And we have developed our modern system of astronomy from the Greeks."
Who, as you know, were very poor scholars.
"The earth is a flat platform of ground...
And meets the blue bowl at the end of the world--"
Take this message of my love...
To she who has captured my heart.
That breeder woman-- has she been thrown a mate yet?
Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.
Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone else. Well, almost everyone.
Citizens, we caught your runaway slave.
Now, he dare challenge our right to execute him. Because I'm a family slave!
What's the good of belonging to a family
if you are going to be executed by strangers?
He is quite correct. We shall torture him.
- You see how they look after their own? - Hold you tongue!
Thank you, officer.
Now, what can we devise?
Something suitable and lingering.
Madame, may I suggest-- you may not.
[Senex] Hang the poor wretch and have done. Hanging is too good for him.
Much too good. By the feet?
That doesn't hurt much.
Hanging by the feet, upside down, while being lashed. They hate that.
They should hate that. My dear lady,
If I suggest that we try to find some other method,
It is only because I happen to be completely impervious to physical pain.
And I can't stand the thought of spoiling your pleasure.
[screaming]
I thought you were completely impervious to pain? Not my own.
Ah! You like him?
I like him. You have him.
Congratulations, Pseudolus, your life has been spared.
May it be long, healthy and productive.
Productive? The breeder? Hang me.
This is your house. Come, come.
Well, visit at any time, dear neighbor.
No obligation to buy. Just come in and browse. Senex!
- Oh. - Come away from that house of shame.
I was only just standing here and saying, "shame, shame."
For your own good, Hysterium, look after Hero.
Oh!
Shh!
What brings you up here? I was trying to get in--
In there? You must never know what goes on in that house. But I do know.
You do? Isn't it amazing?
Pseudolus, I'm in love.
Well, that's very-- in love? You?
Who is she? Sometimes, you can see her in that window.
A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?
Is that disgraceful? There's no way to make it sound like an achievement.
I don't care. I would give anything for her. Anything.
- You really love that girl? - [whimpers]
I like the way you said that. Master Hero, you cannot buy her.
At your age, you're not allowed to buy her.
But suppose someone with tremendous cunning and guile...
- Could arrange for her to be yours. - Yes?
If that someone could arrange it, what would you give me?
I will give you everything I own.
Well, what do you own? Twenty minae, a collection of sea shells and me.
- Yes. - Forget about the minae and the sea shells.
Just give me me.
- Give you you? - My freedom.
Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.
Be the first, start a fashion.
Get me that girl.
- And if I do? - You are free.
- I am what? - Free.
Free!
If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times:
Do not fan the girls when they're wet.
But you'll never learn. You'll be a eunuch all your life.
[chattering]
[chattering continues]
[coins jingling]
I know that sound, and I love it.
Yuck, you!
How did you come into money? An unexpected legacy.
My uncle simo, the noted carthaginian elephant breeder,
Came to an untimely end.
He was crushed to death on the last day of the mating season.
This morning, I bought my freedom. Congratulations, citizen.
With this much left over for one gross indulgence.
Lycus, I am in the market for a lifetime companion.
I say with all due modesty,
I have an assortment of beauty here second to none, and--
Who?
My former young master.
Thought I'd bring him along to further his education.
He's bored with picture books. You understand?
Who better than I? Come in, little boy, won't you?
Eunuchs! Quickly! A buyer!
Was 1 a good year?
And now, for your assured approval and possible purchase,
From out of the east, with the face of an idol,
The arms of a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel,
Tintinabula.
¶ [tambourine jingling]
¶
- Is this the one? - No.
Don't you have any one in there a bit less noisy?
I have Vibrata, a desert bloom of indescribable beauty.
Lithe as a tigress, wondrous as a flamingo...
For a man whose interest is the wild life. Thank you.
¶
- No. - [grunts]
Frankly, I was hoping to live past my wedding night. She seems a bit too--
No matter. I understand.
Consider the gemini, a matched pair.
Look at them, gentlemen. Either one, a divinely assembled woman.
Together, an infinite number of mathematical possibilities.
¶
No.
I'm a man of limited means, and I don't suppose you'd want to break up a set.
I couldn't. You do understand?
Completely. Do go on... And on and on...
And on and on and on.
[Lycus] And on. I know what you want.
Behold! Panacea!
Panacea, whose face holds a thousand promises and a body...
That stands behind each promise.
¶
¶ [stops]
No.
¶ [whistling]
Don't misunderstand me. It's the proportions.
I love the breadth. It's the length.
Now she may be the right length, but is she right for me?
If you see what I mean. Isn't she a bit too short?
- Definitely not. - Too tall?
No. That way, you're perfect together.
Yes, but how often will we find ourselves in this position?
No need to compromise.
My final offering-- Gymnasia, the silent woman.
A giant stage upon which a thousand dramas may be played.
You can actually speak with her? Whilst a child,
I had a nurse from the isle of silent women.
May I have my foot back, please? Oh, you poor child.
Pseudolus! Do you want your freedom? Yes, darling?
More than ever. I'll take her. That's not the one.
But yours isn't here.
It's not nice to walk out of a place without buying something.
I want my girl. Gentlemen!
Gentlemen, if you must squabble, do it in a place of less character.
I know your type-- shoppers. On your way out, please, don't touch the merchandise.
It shows every little mark. Courtesans! Back to your quarters.
I'll be back to lead you in noonday prayers. Move. Do you mind? Out!
Please, quickly, out. Both of you, go!
Quickly, out, out! There she is.
Who? What? One moment, Marcus Lycus.
Did I not just spy
a golden head with a pair of sky-blue eyes wafting down yon balcony?
Oh, that one? A recent arrival from Crete, a virgin. A virgin.
Is that good?
Only today she was sold. Sold?
Then receive, o bosom, thy fatal blade.
Behave yourself. She was sold?
Yes, to the agents of a great roman captain. He claims her this very day.
- Today? - She cost 500 minae.
Then receive, o bosom, thy-- put your bosom away.
You say she just arrived from Crete? Yes.
I hope the great captain is kind to her. She deserves a bit of affection before--
- Tragic, is it not? - W-what? W-w-what's tragic?
- The news from Crete. - What news?
Why should I darken your day? Farewell, Lycus.
What is the news? What news?
The news from Crete. You force me to tell you.
Crete is being ravaged by a great plague.
People are dying by the thousands.
But this girl is healthy. She goes smiling through the day.
She doesn't. I thought you knew: When they start to smile, the end is near.
- No? - Yes. I'm told it is lovely now in Crete.
Everyone lying there, smiling.
- Is-- is it contagious? - Did you ever see a plague that wasn't?
Oh, well, what about my other girls?
You best get her out of here. Yes!
Yes. But where? How?
I could take care of her until the captain arrives. Yes, he could.
Capital. I'll go fetch her.
Why should you risk-- I've already had the plague. I would tell you all about it,
But-- [crying]
Don't. No, I'll go fetch her. Don't go away.
Pseudolus, I'm to be with her.
Until the captain arrives this forenoon. Yes.
Wait! Yes?
A brilliant idea. Yes.
That's what we need-- a brilliant idea.
Go, go, go, get a move on. Go. Don't touch that pillar. Go, go.
Mind your breathing. Just inhale. Go, go.
Oh, Pseudolus, how kind you are, and I shall not forget this.
Someday, I shall repay you, for you, Pseudolus, are a true friend.
And you, Lycus, are a gentleman and a procurer.
[chattering]
To the garden and break the news. What news?
That you're going to run away to marry her. - But won't I catch the plague?
There is no plague. We made that up so as to get her out of there.
Oh, that was clever of us. Wasn't it?
I'll hie myself to the harbor to hire a boat. Ho you to the garden.
You hie, and I'll ho.
[donkey braying] Good luck.
- My name is Hero. - My name is Philia.
[chuckles]
I've often seen you. I've often see you too.
I've watched you undressing at night.
Only from the waist up. It's a very high window. Oh.
You have beautiful legs. What?
Well, you do too... I imagine, I mean.
I would show them to you, but they are sold.
I cost 500 minae. Is that a lot of money? Yes.
- More than 300? - Nearly twice as much.
Three and five-- they always mix me up.
I hope the captain doesn't expect me to do a lot of adding.
[insect buzzing] You can't add?
We're taught charm and grace and no more.
I cannot add or spell or anything.
I have but one talent.
¶ I'm lovely
¶ All I am is lovely
¶ Lovely is the one thing
¶ I can do
¶ Winsome
¶ What I am is winsome
¶ Radiant as in some
¶ Dream come true
¶ Oh
¶ Isn't it a shame
¶ I can neither sew nor cook ¶
¶ Nor read nor write my name ¶
¶ But I'm happy
¶ Merely being lovely
¶ For it's the one thing I can give ¶
¶ To you
Philia, say my name.
Just say your name? Yes!
Very well then. I've forgotten it.
- It's Hero. - Oh, forgive me, Hero.
I've no memory for names.
You don't need one. You don't need anything.
¶ You're lovely
¶ Absolutely lovely
¶ Who'd believe the loveliness ¶
¶ Of you
¶ Winsome
¶ Sweet and warm and winsome
¶ Radiant as in some
¶ Dream come true
¶ Now, Venus would seem tame
¶ Helen and her thousand ships ¶
¶ Would have to die of shame ¶
[together] ¶ And I'm happy
¶ Happy that you're lovely ¶ Happy that I'm lovely
¶ For there's one thing loveliness can do ¶
¶ It's a gift for me
¶ To share
¶ With you
Psst, psst, master Hero, put that down.
Hysterium, this is Philia.
Never mind who she is. Who is she? Where did you find her?
In the house of Lycus. [gasping] A courtesan. No!
Oh, I am a virgin. Of course.
Master Hero, bid farewell to this, uh, person,
So that she can go about her, uh, business.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Pseudolus said--
Pseudolus! I might have known it.
A passage to Thessaly for two at the first tide.
In one hour. Good. Now, care to play for the boat?
How dare you! Arranging an assignation...
Between an innocent boy and a you-know-what.
There is something about that you-know- what that you do not know what.
What do I know not what? That girl is my daughter.
Your what? - My daughter. You've heard me speak of her.
- Never. - Well, I don't like to talk about her.
- That girl is not your daughter. - My sister?
- I go tell his parents. - Wait! The boy insisted on meeting her.
But she's been sold to a captain who comes to claim her today.
What can happen in an hour?
At his age, the mind boggles. I go tell his parents.
- I go with you. - You don't want to be there when I tell them about you.
No, I want you to be there when I tell them about you.
Tell them what about me? I have no- thing to fear. I am a pillar of virtue.
It might be of interest that their pillar of virtue, their slave in chief,
Has secreted in the confines of his cubicle...
Rome's most extensive collection of erotic pottery.
- Oh! - When did you acquire that large fruit bowl with that frieze--
- Pseudolus. - Neither of us is perfect.
Well, if it is only for an hour or so-- where's the harm?
Especially with the master and mistress safely out of the way.
I'm worried about Hero! Perhaps I should go back and keep a fatherly eye!
Senex!
Stop. Whoa!
- I saw that. - I was stung by a bee.
Oh, my nose. Here? We shall have to have it resharpened.
I suppose I could hasten back to the stonecutter and join you tomorrow morn--
Oh, no, the trip would tire me. I should be exhausted.
You shall go back, you selfish toad.
Now! Oh, but, my love,
I don't know how I shall survive the long, lonely night...
Without you. You'll just have to force yourself.
Master, I've just been to the harbor. We must hurry.
Are you going somewhere? No, but you are, both of you.
Oh, I cannot go.
Why can you not?
As long as the captain has a contract I must go with him.
I must honor my contract.
An honest virgin-- what a terrible combination. Excuse me.
We'll give her a little knock on the head.
No, I will not use force against her.
Oh, Venus, why did you bring us together, only to part us?
Be brave, Hero.
For us, there will never be happiness.
We must learn to be happy without it.
When will the captain take me?
In due time, you will be taken, but not in the garden.
- Inside. - But how shall I know when he arrives?
He'll knock on the door three times. Now just go upstairs and wait.
My mistress's bedroom-- the green one.
Go, go. Up, up, up, go, go, go.
Master? Master, she will go with you, I promise.
[chuckling] [imitating chuckling, grunting]
Go!
Oh, she's gone? Good.
Then master Hero, I'll go to the market and get you a nice, plump, peahen.
We must try to get your appetite back to food.
Our passport to freedom. What is it?
With consummate skill, I lifted Hysterium's book of potions.
We'll mix a sleeping potion in a beaker of wine.
We'll give it to the girl to drink.
She'll fall unconscious. We'll tell Lycus she died of the plague.
Then you hie her to the boat. I hie me to the hills. Free! Brilliant!
No, no, not brilliant. Just-- well, yes, brilliant.
- I just remembered something frightening. - What?
I cannot read. Find the sleeping potions quickly.
What do we need? The ingredients-- quickly, quickly.
"The eye of an eel." That we have.
"The heart of a snail." That we have.
"A cup of mare's sweat." That we have not. Mare's sweat.
Where are we going to find mare's sweat on a day like this?
Quick! You to the north. I to the south.
This is exciting. Isn't it? Go!
[grumbles]
Follow me!
Ah! Ah!
That way!
Ah.
The green bedroom. Knock three times.
[knocking]
The captain. Take me, take me.
- I beg your pardon. - Take me.
Just a moment.
Now, what did you say?
Take me. My body is yours.
Is this not what you want? It does cross my mind from time to time.
But you must know something. Yes?
Though you may have my body, you shall never have my heart.
Well, you can't have everything.
A thousand thanks-- whichever one of you did this.
Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets from here.
Gets to look more like his father every day.
Pseudolus! He's here. Oh, no.
Remember where we stopped. Sir, you're back!
She almost broke it. Who is she?
Sir, you may well ask. "Who is she?" you ask, as well you may.
Delightful creature. I shall await your bidding.
My bid-- yes. Ever your servant.
Ever my servant. That's it. Your servant.
Your new maid. We needed someone to help.
A new maid. She seems very loyal.
And very courteous and very efficient and very thoughtful.
Well, maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.
¶ Everybody ought to have a maid ¶
¶ Everybody ought to have a working girl ¶
¶ Everybody ought to have a lurking girl ¶
¶ To putter around the house ¶
¶ Everybody ought to have a maid ¶
¶ Everybody ought to have a menial ¶
¶ Consistently congenial
¶ And quieter than a mouse
¶ Oh, oh wouldn't she be delicious ¶
¶ Tidying up the dishes neat as a pin, oh, oh ¶
[together] ¶ Wouldn't she be delightful sweeping out, sleeping in ¶
¶ Everybody ought to have a maid ¶
¶ Someone who when fetching you your slipper will ¶
¶ Be winsome as a whippoorwill ¶
¶ And graceful as a grouse ¶
¶ Fluttering up the stairways shuttering up the windows ¶
¶ Cluttering up the bedroom buttering up the master ¶
¶ Puttering all around the house ¶
- A maid? - A maid.
A maid. [together] A maid.
¶ Everybody ought to have a maid ¶
¶ Everybody ought to have a serving girl ¶
¶ A loyal and unswerving girl who's quieter than a mouse ¶
¶ Oh, oh think of her at the dustbin ¶
¶ Especially when she's just been traipsing about ¶
¶ Oh, oh wouldn't she be delightful ¶
¶ Living in ¶ Giving out
¶ Everybody ought to have a maid ¶
¶ Someone who you hire when you're short of help ¶
¶ To offer you the sort of help ¶
¶ You never get from a spouse
¶ Pattering through the attic ¶ Chattering in the cellar ¶
¶ Clattering in the kitchen ¶ Flattering in the bedroom
¶ Puttering all around the house ¶
The virgin-- how is she? Shh. A maid.
A maid. A maid. A maid?
[together] ¶ Everybody ought to have a maid ¶
¶ Someone who's efficient and reliable ¶
¶ Obedient and pliable and quieter than a mouse ¶
¶ Oh, oh wouldn't she be so nimble ¶
¶ Fiddling with her thimble mending a gown ¶
¶ Oh, oh wouldn't she be delightful ¶
¶ Cleaning up ¶ Leaning down
¶ Everybody ought to have a maid ¶
¶ Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee ¶
¶ And even if you grumble be ¶
¶ As graceful as a grouse
¶ Wriggling in the anteroom ¶ ¶ Jiggling in the living room
¶ Giggling in the dining room ¶ ¶ Wiggling in the other rooms
¶ Fluttering all around the house ¶
Tell me, the virgin-- how is she? I want-- ¶ The house
Tell me, the virgin-- I want to know how's she--
¶ The house - How is the virgin?
¶ The house
She's very low. You remember the smile? It's now nearly a grin.
I pray she lasts. I had a dreadful experience with a young officer...
To whom I had sold a virgin. What happened?
She turned out to be a dud.
A dud virgin? How could that happen?
You see, the fellow who sold me the dud virgin also sold me a dud eunuch.
I'll keep this one alive as long as I can. You're a saint.
Now, I shall personally instruct the new maid
in the niceties of housework, starting in my room.
Uh, b-b-but, sir, uh, your son...
May be in that very house. Oh. Oh, dear.
Sir, this house is empty. Yes?
Oh, so it is, sir. Don't you remember before your friend and neighbor,
Erronius went abroad in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates,
He asked you to look into his house from time to time?
Oh, yes, now might be as good a time as any. Send the girl in here.
But sir, only my deepest devotion to you allows me to speak so frankly.
You have trudged the road quite some way,
and I fear that this great physical exertion--
- [sniffing] - Whew. Great heavens.
Is that me? I smell like an overheated horse.
I must bathe. At least.
Shall I send the girl to you, say, in one hour?
[sniffing] At least.
[Erronius' voice] Home at last.
After years of searching for my long-lost children,
How good it is to see this street once more.
These tired old eyes fill with tears...
At the sight of the little they see.
Pardon me, young woman.
I'm sorry, but I-- oh, what a lovely baby.
Just about the age of my children when they were stolen in infancy by pirates.
But at least I have the comforts of my lonely home.
Sir!
Who are you? Hysterium, sir, servant to Senex.
¶ [vocalizing]
What was that? I didn't hear anything.
¶ [vocalizing continues]
I didn't hear that either. It was an eerie sound.
Eerie sound? Like the house was haunted.
Sir, what I'm about to tell you is eerie.
Your house is haunted. Haunted?
Haunted as the day is long.
Perhaps you should stay with relatives, distant relatives.
Yes. No. Fetch me a soothsayer.
A soothsayer? He must search my house at once.
[yelling, indistinct]
Sir, you're in need of a soothsayer. How did you know?
I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.
Well, there's a spirit in my house.
Silence! [screams]
I'm about to say the sooth.
You-- I-I-I see it. I see everything.
You-you have been-- you have been abroad...
For... Twenty years.
You have been searching for...
A child.
No, no, no, two childs.
A fine big boy...
And a strange little boy.
No, no, no! ¶ [vocalizing] A girl, a girl!
A girl! A boy and a girl!
Can you find them for me? Certainly, I can find them.
Each wear a ring that has engraved upon it a gaggle of geese.
There are only two more like this in the world, and my children wear them.
How many geese in a gaggle? At least seven.
Seven! Before I say the sooth again,
You must run seven times around the seven hills of Rome.
- And the spirit? - It will be gone by the time you'll have done my bidding.
Thanks. To the hills!
To the hills. No, this is the way, sir.
Thank you, young woman.
Sir, sir! You forgot your gaggle!
You see, everything is turning out fine.
Everything's turning out fine with the master thinking the virgin's a maid,
The virgin's thinking she's the master's mistress, and the mistress not knowing...
Her son's about with his tongue hanging out.
Just see to it that the master stays in the bath the next hour,
And I'll soon get the girl out of there. How soon?
As soon as master Hero brings more mare's sweat.
Mare's sweat! [Senex] There's no need to remind me.
I need some more bath towels at once.
Be patient, my dear. I shall not keep you panting long.
[man] Oils! Oils for lamps!
Come on, you rotten slave, move.
Pick those chains up. Come on.
Ah, thank you, lad. It is thirsty work.
That's my sweat.
Ah!
[chattering]
Yes? Is this the house of Marcus Lycus?
Yes. Then aside, eunuch.
Inform Lycus we would see him at once.
Yes, possibilities. Carry on. Was that a customer, dear eunuch?
Oh, welcome, most noble warrior.
Won't you come in? Perhaps some wine and honey?
Or perhaps another type of morsel is your interest? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We are emissaries from he on whose behalf a maiden was purchased from you.
Oh, yes, a maiden. Splendid. She'll be claimed within the hour.
By our most illustrious captain, Miles Gloriosus.
I know that name, and I don't think I like it. The mighty Miles...
Bids you know that he did purchase a maiden
from scum such as yourself some years ago.
This so-called maiden within a few months
delivered ample proof she'd been nothing of the sort.
Accidents will happen.
Ah, but never again to the great Gloriosus. Oh.
Should anything be amiss with your maiden,
He'll seize your entire stock and throw them to the troops.
- That's fair. - Then he'll burn down your house.
- Reasonable. - And then he'll--
No, no, just inform the captain the maiden will be ready...
And very willing and very healthy.
Ah.
With just a slight touch of plague.
Excuse me, noble sir, have you seen
a handsome youth running after a sweating horse?
He was carrying-- very generous of you, sir.
Excuse me, madam. A cool youth and a hot mare, have you by any chance--
Most kind of you, madam.
Sir, might I ask-- thank you humbly, sir.
[sniffing]
Master Hero has been here.
Thank you kindly, sir.
I'm sorry, I can't stop now.
You've been sold? To whom? A syrian shepherd?
He's collecting you within the hour.
That means I'll never see her again. Listen.
In a few-- in a few-- listen carefully! [shouting]
Oh.
In one hour, the captain arrives. How can I save my head?
One hour before the syrian shepherd arrives. How can I save Gymnasia?
If I could just find someone to take my place for an hour. But who?
If I could but take Lycus' place for one hour. But how?
[both] Excuse me. Quite all right. Not at all.
- Pseudolus. - Lycus.
Hail, Marcus Lycus. I was just looking for you.
You were looking for me? But I was looking for you.
Isn't that amazing? Fantastic.
[both] It's about the girls.
Excuse me. Did you say it's about the girls? Yes. Did you?
Yes. Fantastic. Amazing.
You see, dear Pseudolus,
it occurred to me this morning when you were in my place--
That I didn't have enough time-- to definitely decide.
About choosing a wife. Precisely.
Aha, what a marvelous rapport we're having.
Amazing. Fantastic. And I was thinking, dear Pseudolus.
That I'd spend a little more time-- alone and undisturbed--
[both] With the girls.
Lycus, you're making me cry.
One other thing. You see, my father--
- You have a father? - Yes.
Isn't that amazing? Fantastic.
And furthermore, he is on his way to my house right now,
And, well-well, he thinks I'm just a tradesman.
Poor old fellow.
But what if, when he arrives, we have moved the girls elsewhere?
Yes, but how to find a suitable elsewhere?
Where else? The house of the good Senex.
Why not? He's out of the way for an hour.
Yes, but who will take care of my place?
The Syrian shepherd comes to buy the silent woman.
And I don't suppose, Pseudolus, I could impose upon you-- to take your place?
Pretend that I'm you for an hour?
Lycus, it would be a privilege.
Oh, now you're making me cry. Oh.
Oh, one more thing. The Roman captain who comes to claim the plaguey virgin,
Should he arrive while I'm gone-- and mind you,
I do not, for one moment-- I'll just hand her over.
Yes, but if she's not alive, fob him off with another girl.
I'm told he's a most kind, gentle and considerate man.
- Have no fear. - I won't, dear Pseudolus.
And may I say you will never live to regret this.
Gone to see a nose grinder indeed.
He's cavorting with those courtesans. But, mother, what can I do?
Do? Return to Rome immediately...
Before he can do what no doubt he's already done.
Go! Oh!
Ah!
No, no, right. No.
Come on, now. Hey, hey! [neighs]
Hey!
[groaning]
Come on, come on. [grunting]
Good morning.
Quickly, on your feet! The change will do you good. Quick, quick, out!
Come, quickly. Quick, quick. You there! You there!
Go, go! Oh, there's so much of you there.
Later, later. Go, go!
Come on, run. Why do you stand here?
Come on, we have no time. Come, come, come, come.
You will be out of here before that shepherd arrives.
Can you leave at a moment's notice?
No arguing. Go away. Quickly, come, come.
Oh, Vibrata, really, go! Come, come.
First time around.
What was that?
Ho there. I am seeking the house of Marcus Lycus.
Well, who is it that reeks the louse of Mycus Leecus? Hold, sir.
Who leaks the louse-- you're not holding, sir.
Who is he that seeks the house of Marcus Lycus?
A foot soldier of captain Miles Gloriosus.
- Smartly done. - Thank you.
My captain dispatches me to inform you that he is but a half a league away...
And bids you honor this.
You know what this is, of course?
Of course I know what this is. This is writing.
This is your contract with the captain.
And a pretty piece of work. Thank you.
What is this word here?
That is "Lycus."
You realize who you are speaking to? Yes, sir.
And do you realize what it says there?
I know what it says there.
Words, and I intend to stand behind these words, or my name is not Marcus Lycus.
- Pseudolus! - Or my name is not Pseudolus Marcus Lycus.
One moment. I must have a word with my eunuch.
- Oh, please. - Thank you very much. Come here, eunuch!
Eunuch? How dare you call me that?
You know it isn't true, I know it isn't true,
so what do we care what they think?
Why are you calling yourself Lycus?
You see--
I can't tell you. Why should I spoil your day?
How can you spoil a total disaster? Just listen.
The captain comes to claim the girl now. That's terrible.
Why? The master also wants her now.
He can't have her. Just keep him in that house and don't let him out.
- But Pseudolus-- but Pseudolus-- - I'm Lycus. I'm Lycus.
- But Pseudolus-- - I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that pottery.
But Lycus-- good-bye, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus.
Good luck, Lycus. He's Lycus.
Tell your captain his bride awaits.
Smartly done.
- Hysterium. - Uh, sire.
You remember that potion you prepared which so fills one with energy...
One can almost perform miracles?
Oh, yes, sire, we still have some left from your wedding night.
Bring me a beaker.
Yes, master.
Good afternoon, good afternoon.
Good afternoon. [coughs]
¶ My bride, my bride I've come to claim my bride ¶
¶ Come tenderly to crush her against my side ¶
¶ Let haste be made I cannot be delayed ¶
¶ There are lands to conquer, cities to loot, and people to degrade ¶
¶ Look at those arms look at that chest, look at them ¶
¶ Not to mention the rest even I am impressed ¶
¶ My bride, my bride come, bring to me my bride ¶
¶ My lust for her no longer can be denied ¶
¶ Convey the news I have no time to lose ¶
¶ There are towns to plunder temples to burn, and women to abuse ¶
¶ Look at that foot look at that heel ¶
¶ Mark the magnificent muscles of steel ¶
¶ I am my ideal
¶ I, Miles Gloriosus
¶ I, slaughterer of thousands ¶
¶ I, oppressor of the meek ¶ [sighing]
- [all sighing] - ¶ Subduer of the weak
- [sighing] - ¶ Degrader of the greek
- [sighing] - ¶ Destroyer of the turks
- [sighing] - ¶ Must hurry back to work
¶ I, Miles Gloriosus [women] ¶ Him, Miles Gloriosus
¶ I, paragon of virtues ¶ Him, paragon of virtues
¶ I, in war the most admired in wit the most inspired ¶
¶ In love the most desired in dress the best displayed ¶
¶ I am a parade
¶ Look at those eyes cunning and keen ¶
¶ Look at the size of those thighs like a mighty machine ¶
¶ Those are the mightiest thighs I ever have "theen," I mean ¶
¶ My bride, my bride inform my lucky bride ¶
¶ The fabled arms of Miles are open wide ¶
¶ Make haste, make haste I have no time to waste ¶
¶ There are shrines I should be sacking ribs I should be cracking ¶
¶ Eyes to gouge and booty to divide ¶
¶ Bring me my
¶ Bride [soldiers] ¶ Bring him his bride
Stand aside, everyone.
I take large steps.
Hail, Miles Gloriosus. You are?
Marcus Lycus. I am dazzled by your presence.
Everyone is. Where is my bride?
It is a sad tale I have to tell, courageous captain.
Bad news-- [screaming] Did not my aide inform you...
That should anything be amiss with this maiden, your house would be burned,
Your women thrown to my troops and your life forfeit?
He didn't, did he? He did.
He did, and I meant it. [grunting]
There's been some mistake. Here is the man you want. Tell him.
Tell him who I am. Well, everybody knows who you are, Lycus.
No, no, tell him who I am. Tell him.
Rely on me. He is Marcus Lycus.
Not so! He is Lycus!
Sire, if you but look within, you will find none but hooded men.
We are a holy order, an ancient brotherhood of lepers, unclean.
- Unclean. - Unclean, unclean.
Well, Lycus, what of this bad news? There is no bad news.
I only said that so as not to make the gods jealous. She is ugly. Ugly!
Ugly! Ugly! Really, she's beautiful.
I did not-- I did not want them envying you. What is she like?
A face so fair, a heart so pure, sir.
If you had been born a woman, you would have been she.
As magnificent as that?
She will be ready soon. Perhaps if we brought some food.
That will not be necessary. I will await her in your house.
No! No?
I-I-I meant yes. It just came out no.
And who are you? My chief eunuch, sir.
[stomps foot] Just kick him if he offends you.
Surround the house! While I am within, let no one else enter.
What was that all about? Why didn't you give him the girl?
Isn't it time we two started trusting each other?
One of us isn't ready yet. Why didn't you give him the girl?
She refuses to go with him. But master Hero's out getting her a potion.
So you just keep the master in his bath until--
Arrange food, drink, entertainment and a sit-down orgy for 14.
These sands will run out in exactly one half hour.
If my bride is not delivered by then,
this house will be an empty patch of ground.
That rotten Lycus.
That lovely Pseudolus. Mmm!
What a glorious day, my friend. Won't you join me in a beaker?
Everyone, a beaker with me! Crassus.
Lycus? Rascal. I heard you were abroad in search of pulchritude.
Well, I returned this morn with as choice a cargo as you've ever seen.
- Good man. - From Crete.
Crete? Do not touch me. Do not breathe on me. The plague, the plague!
- There's no plague on Crete. - No plague?
No one lying around smiling themselves to death?
- It's the healthiest isle in the world. - He lied to me. He tricked me.
- You, tricked? - Yes, but not for long.
I go to the captain, save my house and see that that swine is killed.
- Which swine? - The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome.
- Ah, Pseudolus. - [stammers]
Hyah!
¶ [chattering, laughing]
¶
Chapter six.
The Sabine campaign, in which a boy becomes a man.
[sighs] Laden with the spoils of conquest,
I then set forth for Egypt,
Little knowing that here waited for me that black-fringed temptress...
Who was to play so great a part in my, uh, foot!
Ooh! Get off! Get off! Get off!
As you know at this time, all Gaul was divided into eight parts.
[rooster crowing]
[shouts] Back, leper!
- Bring not your contagion into the house of Lycus. - "House of--"
Pseudolus, tell them who I am. I am no leper. I am Lycus!
Ah, the poor creature.
Just jab him back into his den of ill health.
What? Oh, Pseudolus, I'll have my revenge.
I'll get in to see the captain yet. I will tell--
This I swear by the great necrophites,
God of procurers-- ooh-ooh-ooh--panderers...
And go-betweens.
A new god but a very hard worker.
[Miles] "I rely on you, Miles," said Caesar firmly.
"Hold that, Tiber." yes, that's a good one.
"Hold that-- hold that, Tiber."
If you see a lad with anything resembling mare's sweat,
Send him up to the green bedroom immediately.
[growling, chuckling]
[growling continues] Not down there!
But when I heard the revellers, I thought my captain had come.
He has, but he's not ready yet. Just wait in there. Wait!
Wait! Wait! That's what virgins are supposed to do best.
My man has come for me. Good. Where is he?
[breathing heavily] Wait, my little one. I must wash my hands.
I shall be back in a nonce, at most, two nonces.
I shall knock on the door three times.
- Where'd she go? - In there.
Knock three times, and she's yours.
[knocking] One, two, three,
[door opens] Four.
[door closes] The hourglass! You go over there.
Sir, um, may I suggest, sir, just one more scrub?
No, that's enough. One more scrub, and you'll wash away my enthusiasm.
[grunting] All right, now.
I want every-- listen, will you?
When I say, "push," push hard. Push terribly hard. All right. Push!
[yelling]
What do you mean, "no entry"? I live, eat and sleep here every day of my life.
Congratulations. But today it's officers only. Yes.
Master, the passion potion. You must drink it while it's hot.
[chariot approaching]
¶ [trumpet fanfare]
Whoa!
If you are the new gardeners, don't lean on those things. Get to work.
Well, where is it? Where is my passion potion?
¶ [continues]
[domina] Where is everyone? Senex!
Pseudolus! Hysterium!
Madam! Where is my husband?
On the best of intuition, I believe that he is fowling the nest,
And it seems he has brought in the legions to help.
Who are all these people? Madam, at this very moment,
The hospitality of your house is being enjoyed...
By a great captain, Miles Gloriosus.
The Gloriosus? The the himself.
He requested a few moments rest in your charming residence.
As the daughter of a Roman general, I hoped you would not object.
Object? Pseudolus, you have acted well.
I must greet this captain at once.
Captain Gloriosus,
I am shattered that I was not here to greet you personally.
- You are of this house? - For many, many years.
My father, you know, captain, was general Magnus.
On the last anniversary of his death, I entertained over 200 officers.
Two hundred? By yourself?
[chuckling] Not entirely. Hysterium here was a great help.
Oh, Hysterium, thoughtful as ever.
My mouth is dry after that dusty drive.
Mad-- [stammering]
Ah!
Mmm. After I've bathed and changed this dusty robe,
I want you to ask the captain to--
Wait. Where did you say my husband was?
[Hysterium] Uh, your hus-- he is, uh-- he is, uh--
Well, at the moment, he is, uh--
He is, uh-- he is--
At least when I last saw him, he was.
I want to know if my husband is in the house.
No, but he should be here soon.
Madam, might I suggest you take your bath now?
I shall send slaves with a fresh robe.
When he arrives, keep him busy downstairs.
And tell the captain I shall be waiting him in the green room...
[chuckling] After my bath.
What do we do now? I'll deal with the master.
You just see to that hourglass and keep those sands from running out,
And I'll be grateful to you as long as I live, if I live that long.
Master! All right, Pseudolus, where is she?
- Who? - The new maid.
Oh, the maid. The new maid. The very new maid.
Knock three times, and she's yours.
Ah-ah-ah. What about my passion potion?
Start without it. [laughing]
[screams]
[geese honking]
House of Lycus? Yes, what about it?
- Acrobats for the orgy. - That way.
Thanks.
¶ [continues]
Mmm. [mutters]
Sorry, wrong maid.
Quickly! Quickly!
We must find another room for you.
¶ [humming]
Go.
My filly! My stallion!
My wife. My gods. My husband.
Hey! [yelling]
Hy! Hy! Ha-ha! Hey!
Hy! Hey! Ha-ha! You're late.
The others are waiting for you in there.
Hey. Hey. Entertainers, that way.
No, I must see the captain personally. Very important.
Entertainers, that way. Captain? Oh, captain?
I have-- do you know what happened to the last underling...
Who interrupted the captain in "middebauch"?
Entertainers, this way? Yes.
Hey! Ha! [yelling continues]
You told me-- where-where is Hero?
Calm-- calm-- how is the mistress-- [stammering]
How is the master-- calm--
- Why is the virgin-- - calm yourself! Calm!
- I'll tell you when it's time to panic! - I smell mischief.
- It's time. - Someone has tampered with this!
Bring me my bride! Yeah. She'll be ready soon.
They're just anointing her with unguents to make her ankle bangle, dangle.
Meanwhile, for your further entertainment-- [acrobats yelling]
[yelling continues] Bring on the acrobats!
- ¶ [circus] - Ankle bangle, dangle.
Oh! Ooh! Watch there!
The four tumbling tuscans!
[whispering] Psst! It's Lycus.
Hah! [muttering]
Ooh-ooh.
That one is very good.
He really makes it look as though he landed on his head.
Would you like to see that man again? Yes.
[Pseudolus] That man again for the captain. - Captain, I have news. The--
[yelling] Captain, please! I--
Captain, the virgin is-- captain, a word--
Louder music! The captain wants louder music!
I'm not happy in my work, captain.
Did you ever see a jester like this?
The remarks he makes! He's the best I've ever seen.
His exit! Do the flying exit.
What? [stammers] No.
- [screaming] - [Miles, Pseudolus laughing]
Didn't I tell you you'd enjoy this? I did.
You are a good fellow. It's really going to pain me to have to kill you.
- Kill me? - Indeed, Lycus, if she is not at my feet within two minutes.
Could you make it five? Two.
Two. Two minutes.
Philia! Philia, you go to the captain now, like it or not.
But I've been ready and waiting.
But Pseudolus said you refused to. Oh, come.
[Miles] Bring me that girl, or you'll all perish!
You see, that's not a happy captain.
That voice! I know that voice.
[Hysterium] Of course you do. That's your captain.
Oh, that's not my captain. That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace.
He raped Thrace? And then he came and did it again and then again.
He raped Thrace thrice?
Oh, I'm not going with him.
Will you now go with Hero? Oh, yes! Yes!
Go back to Hero's room and wait there. [sighs]
He'll burn our house. Fear not. I have a simple plan.
I don't want to hear it.
All we have to do is tell the captain the virgin has died.
I think I heard that. He'll never believe it.
We'll need a body. Anybody's body.
Can you get one from Gusto, the body snatcher?
He owes me a favor, but he died yesterday.
Oh, uh, what about his body? Somebody snatched it.
Let's see. Who do we know that's dead?
I wish I was.
I'm a disgrace to my family. My father will turn in his grave.
- Your father is alive. - This will kill him.
Oh, come here. Just lie down. It'll be all over in one moment.
[grunting]
You're delicious.
What if he tries to kiss me? He won't kiss you!
How can he help it if I'm so delicious? Oh, come back here.
Just lie still. Just lie still.
The captain will take one look at you, shudder and go on his way, heartbroken.
It'll never work. Look at me. Just look at me.
I can't take my eyes off you.
¶ You're lovely
¶ Absolutely lovely
¶ Who'd believe the loveliness ¶
¶ Of you
No! Come back here and lie down!
Oh. ¶ Perfect
¶ Sweet and warm and winsome
¶ Radiant as in some
¶ Dream come true
¶ Now Venus will seem tame
¶ Helen and her thousand ships ¶
¶ Will have to die of shame
¶ You're so lovely
¶ Frighteningly lovely
¶ That the world will never seem the same ¶
¶ I'm lovely ¶ [gibberish]
¶ Absolutely lovely ¶ [gibberish continues]
¶ Who'd believe the loveliness ¶
¶ Of me [whispering] I would.
¶ Perfect
¶ Sweet and warm and winsome
¶ Radiant as in some
¶ Dream come true
¶ Now
Shouldn't I have some jewelry? Jewelry?
[mutters] Erronius' gaggle.
Ah!
¶ I'm so lovely
[Pseudolus] ¶ Literally lovely
[both] ¶ That the world will never seem ¶
[Hysterium] ¶ The same ¶ You're so lovely
¶ That the world will never seem ¶
¶ The same
Now I go get the pallbearers. Wait here.
I'll never get away with it.
You will. It's easy. Just lie still and think dead thoughts.
¶ [humming]
The time is up! Ransack the house!
Oh, woe. Oh, woe.
Oh, woe.
And oh, woe again!
Oh. Ah!
For the last time, where is my bride?
For the very last time, here is your bride--
Here on this appalling pall, dead.
Dead? Permanently dead. Dead, dead.
Oh, monstrous fate!
My sweet, innocent bride-- dead.
Yes. Give her air!
How-how did she die? - Well, she just sort of rolled over, and--
No, no. How did it happen?
One glimpse of your grandeur from above. The shock was too much.
Poor child. A virgin till the end.
- A lot of good it did you. - Spare me.
- I cannot control my tears. - Go ahead. It's nature's release.
All her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement.
Very good. Can you say, "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales...
To Titania the titmouse"?
Do not try to cheer me. I am inconsolable.
- Why torture yourself? Just go. - Yes.
Yes. Poor girl. To have died so young...
Without ever having experienced me.
You're right. Bye-bye. No!
I cannot leave without giving her the comfort of a proper funeral service.
Do you have time for that? Isn't there a war you should be starting-- Silence!
- Silence! - I insist on conducting a funeral. Summon mourners.
Mourners. Mourners. Back.
Back, back, back! What does he mean a "funeral"?
A funeral. A rapid requiem, a quick dirge, nothing.
All right. But any coins he puts on my eyes, I keep.
Done. I certainly have been.
Gather firewood. She shall be cremated.
[horse whinnying]
Here! [sniffing]
You're to take that immediately up to the green bedroom.
Son! Father!
Oh, my passion potion. No.
[chuckles, sighs]
[muttering]
Forgive me for ever mistrusting you, my darling,
But you have been a little distant these past 29 years.
[thud]
I shall compose a funeral dirge.
Oh, do. A nice short one.
¶ gather around handmaidens of sorrow ¶
¶ Sound the flute ¶ [flute]
¶ Blow the horn ¶ [horn]
¶ Pluck the lute ¶ [lute]
¶ Forward mourn
¶ [mourners chanting]
¶ [continues]
¶ Ah
[mourners] ¶ Ah
[coughs] ¶ All Crete was at her feet ¶
¶ All Thrace was in her throne ¶
¶ All Sparta loved her sweetness ¶
¶ And Gaul ¶ And Spain
¶ And Greece ¶ And Egypt
- ¶ And Syria - ¶ And Mesopotamia
¶ [mourners singing, indistinct]
What's that? It's a funeral.
Oh. Somebody's dead, eh? [chuckling]
[chuckling] Oh, yeah. The captain's maiden.
"The captain's maiden"?
¶ [chanting continues]
She's dead? Yeah.
Then I shall kill myself.
It's against roman law to take one's own life.
The penalty is death.
I'll fight a gladiator then. You might win.
Yes.
I shall throw myself to the lions.
[Miles] ¶ Speak the spells
¶ Chant the charms
¶ Toll the bells ¶ [bells chiming]
¶ Fold the arms
¶ [chanting continues]
On behalf of the body, I'd like to thank you for a lovely funeral.
I don't know about you, but I've suffered enough.
So I suggest you depart, and I shall take the body, and--
Second dirge! Second dirge!
Throw himself to the lions!
Oh, then I too must die.
Today is the day of the human sacrifice at the temple of vestal virgins.
I shall go and offer myself to the gods.
[horses whinnying]
Hey, see that? Yes, but look at that.
What's your hurry, slinky one?
Oh, really. Would you lower your pipe to your captain's plaything?
Captain? I've had no instructions.
The captain sent for me especially.
Oh, do let me by, and I'll redeem this...
In ways that'll melt every bolt in your armour.
Is it real? Bite it and see.
And that goes for me too.
¶ [chanting continues]
¶ Strew the soil
¶ Strum the lyre ¶ [lyre]
¶ Spread the oil
¶ Build the pyre
Pyre? What kind of pyre?
A pyre of fire.
Oh, a fire pyre.
- [Miles] She must be burned. - Burned?
- I want her ashes. - Ashes? Ow!
Captain! Captain! Captain, I implore you.
It is not for us to destroy such loveliness.
The gods are awaiting her.
They would be angry if we sent up a smoked virgin.
I cannot afford to offend the gods. Who can?
I will go my melancholy way.
Very good, sir. Good-bye, sir.
Wait!
A farewell kiss. Of course.
Not you.
You mustn't! It could make you very sick.
The truth is, captain, she died of an illness contracted on Crete.
What illness? The plague. [shouts]
- [screaming, shouting] - The plague! The plague!
- [screaming, shouting continue] - Run for your lives!
- Help! Plague! Plague! - Silence!
Silence! Shh!
There is no plague. What?
I have this day returned from Crete, and there is no plague.
Then what was everyone yelling about?
I seek the-- find me the captain. Don't stand there.
Will you-- you, find me the captain. I--
Oh, sir, I bring wonderful news.
The virgin does not have the plague.
Silence, woman. I know that. She died of other causes.
Died? How-- she was a ba-- how--
Poor little moth. She fluttered too near my flame.
Too filled with love. Dear little heart.
Heart? Yes, that's it.
I shall cut out her heart and carry it with me forever more. [yelling]
This girl's alive! And she's gonna stay that way!
[shouting] Seize her! I'll get her!
Seize everyone! Put the whole neighborhood to the sword!
Sir, a question. If I found your maiden, would you spare my--
A moment, please. If the maiden is not found,
I shall destroy not only this house, [woman screaming]
But all surrounding houses and every single person in them!
And now, madam, your question?
Oh, it's just a silly girlish idea. I'll find your maiden.
Ah! Now, then, my beauty!
Redeem your promise. [grunts]
Ah, you wildcat. You're beautiful when you're angry.
Ruined! Ruined! All we have to do is find Hero and Philia. Oh!
- Do you see what she said? - What is it? And please don't tell me.
Philia is sacrificing herself at the temple of virgins.
- Hero is throwing himself to the lions. - Seize them!
Halt! Come on! Hie you to the temple for Philia.
I'll save Hero and meet you there!
The same thing happened 29 years ago.
- I might just as well go in-- - [guard] Hey!
I'll wager you never got my nose sharpened either.
I would like to know what it is you do that makes you so tired.
I've noticed you're never too tired--
[lions roaring]
Hey.
I wish to throw myself to the lions. Where do I go?
- Pompeii? - I beg your pardon?
No performance here today. Gladiators are just doing training.
Training? Training.
Come on, you miserable slaves, move.
[chattering] Here you are. Lot four.
Straight in. All right. Come.
Move, you slaves. Move. Move!
Okay, come along. Keep moving.
Over there. Get in line. In line.
How are you? All right? Had a good day?
Easy swing.
Hero! Master Hero! Wait here.
Hey, hey! We're closed to members of the public.
- That young man that just went in, I must see him. - You'll see him.
They should be bringing him out any minute.
[rattling]
Now, the secret of the action-- hmm?
The secret of the action is in the wrist.
It's got to flow. You're jerking.
There. There.
No. Now, think of it as an extension of your arm.
You tightened up at the last minute, didn't you?
You're worrying about it too much.
Try and sort of just do a couple without thinking about it, eh?
Go ahead.
- Aw. That even felt better, didn't it? - Yeah.
I'm always better in trainin'. Yes. [chuckling]
Now, don't worry. Don't worry.
Just-- now-now, relax.
Relax. You see, he sort of... Went very strange. Right.
No. Wrist jerk again.
Oh, much better, yes! You've got a natural swing, you know.
[chuckles]
[whistling] Uh, please. Do you mind?
[grunting] No, that's a nasty, messy one.
That fellow whistling put you off.
He's the last one. It's not worth sending for another dozen.
Come on. Let's see if we can put this one straight into nero's box.
- A nice slow swing. - Psst!
- Oh, and, uh, please. Please. - Oh.
- [chuckling] - Do you mind?
Still jerking the wrist.
Hero! Hero! Philia is alive!
She's at the temple of virgins. Go! Go now!
Save her! Go!
Hyah!
Give it.
Hyah. Hyah. Hyah. Hyah!
Whoa!
[grunting]
Come quickly! Hurry!
- Oh, Miles! - There they are!
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
And now a moment of silence...
Before our daughter starts her final voyage.
Psst! Philia!
- Huh? - Here. Here.
Hero! My Hero!
Please, no mortal sounds must interfere.
But I thought he was dead.
I must go to him. I love him.
Yes. Now. [priestess] So be it.
Run along, child. Oh!
Bring another victim to the altar.
No. Aah!
Hyah. Hyah!
Master Hero, wait!
Hyah! Hyah!
[laughing]
Master Hero, wait! My freedom!
You promised! Look. There they are.
Master Hero, wait!
Your parents! I promised!
Hero, wait! The captain! I promised!
Come on!
[shouting, indistinct]
Ah, the most refreshing climate in the world.
Look out!
[wheels continue grinding]
[taunts] Come back!
- Climb up! - [yells]
Take that! And that!
- And that! - Get away!
[shouting]
Oh!
Philia, duck!
- Whoa! - Help! Help! Help!
Jump! Jump!
Jump!
Hold me close. It makes me feel so strong.
Well, personally, I'm not quite ready to make up yet.
You want her? You take her!
[shouting] Look out!
[screams] Help!
I'm awfully sorry. Thank you.
[guard shouting]
Darling, darling, darling. Oh, hit me again, darling.
Oh, darling. Darling, darling.
[screams]
No! No, no!
[horse whinnies]
[rooster crowing]
Wait! Stop! [goose honking]
[rooster screeching] [sheep bleating]
[gurgling]
Whoa! No! No! [screaming]
[screaming continues]
[groans] Right.
Now back to Rome for a quick wedding and some slow executions.
[gagging]
[relieved sigh]
You slave-- you will be torn apart by a team of wild horses, slowly,
To the plaudits of my troops and the amusement of the children.
But you, my dear, have nothing to fear.
Although you fled from me, I have the greatness to forgive.
I, too, can forgive.
No one can part us now.
Show me the swine who did that,
And I'll break every bone in his body.
[chattering] Third time around.
Pardon me, madam. Eh--
The gaggle! My precious!
My beautiful.
My sweet.
Why do all the men find me so attractive?
The family ring. My daughter.
- My virgin? - I am not a virgin.
- Those filthy pirates. - And I am not your daughter. I am an Etruscan dancer.
¶ [singing, indistinct] You are my virgin.
My daughter. My virgin!
Ye gods! The eunuch!
- My daughter, a eunuch? - Soldier, seize that man!
Captain, I can explain. What? This can't be.
The leper. Unclean!
[shouting] No!
No leper and no woman.
I, sire, am Marcus Lycus.
Hold. Here. Here is your virgin.
And worth the waiting for.
[Erronius] I don't understand it. The ring.
The gaggle of geese. [Miles] What did you say, old man?
I have worn this ring since I was a foundling child. My son!
- Father! - You've grown.
Are these many geese a gaggle?
- How long have you had that? - Since-- I don't know when I've had this since.
- My daughter! - My sister!
- My courtesan. - My maid.
- My brother-in-law. - My Gymnasia.
Oh, no. No! That girl I still own. One moment.
Dear old man, I take it your daughter was freeborn? Without a doubt.
Lycus, we all know the penalty for selling a freeborn citizen.
- Seize him! - [Lycus] Be careful.
I'm a bleeder. However, great captain, my dear friend,
He has not only given me the most marvelous wedding present-- a wife,
Especially a silent one-- he's also promised me 10,000 minae as a dowry.
Ten-- [groans]
No. [growls]
Such a generosity should not go unrewarded.
- Very well. Spare him. - [Pseudolus] Hero!
Father and mother, I wish to marry.
Son, if you're as happy as your mother and I have been,
My heart bleeds for you.
¶ Lovers divided
¶ Get coincided
¶ Something for everyone ¶ A comedy tonight
¶ Father and mother
¶ Get one another
¶ Something for everyone [whispering] ¶ A tragedy tonight
¶ I get the twins
¶ They get the best
¶ I get a family
¶ I get a rest
¶ We get a few girls
¶ I'll get some new girls
¶ I get the thing I want to be ¶
- Free. - ¶ Free
- ¶ Free
¶ Nothing for kings
¶ Nothing for crowns
¶ Something for lovers
¶ Liars and clowns
¶ What is the moral must be a moral ¶
¶ Here is the moral wrong or right ¶
- ¶ Morals tomorrow - ¶ Comedy - ¶ comedy
- ¶ Comedy - ¶ comedy - ¶ comedy
¶ Tonight